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I remember it as being a very dark and bleak time. I had been told I couldn't drive and therefore was mostly trapped in the house. The CFS was very bad so even if I could have gone out I'm not sure I would have been able to. We put the house on the market and decided to move. The stress of tidying up while barely having the energy to walk up and down the stairs was awful.
It wont be a shock to many of you who were around at that time to learn I have depression. Although if I'm honest, I was in denial, lying to the husband, my parents, and at times even lying to myself about how bad it was. When you add to the mix 2 under 18 months, life was hard. Baby Girl was in constant pain and wouldn't sleep, I couldn't put her down and she wouldn't. stop. screaming. There were times I literally had to put her in the cot and walk away in tears as I just couldn't cope any longer.
Big Girl wanted my attention every moment she was awake, she loved her new sister but continued to want her mummy all to herself. Spreading myself between 2 babies was close to impossible and I felt like a complete failure all of the time. I felt so lonely and isolated, I pushed away anyone who tried to help. I was terrified if anyone found out how I was feeling or what I was thinking my children would be taken away. I felt I had no choice but to do everything myself and pretended everything was great, when it really wasn't.
Recently I started talking about my experience, to someone who was struggling and she asked the question 'How did you manage, how did you get through it?' and its a question that I've been thinking about ever since. It made me realise that I have coped, I am here now and I'm much better than I was. But how did I get here?
The honest answer is, I don't know how I've managed, there really hasn't been some miracle cure that makes me think and feel differently. But somehow I've managed to muddle through existing from day to day. I have 2 happy and healthy children so I don't think I've really done all that bad in the parenting stakes. I'm not by any stretch of the imagination 'through it'. I know I have some way to go before I feel anything resembling 'normal', but I'm a lot closer than I was a year ago.
Things really have changed in a year, Baby girl is no longer in constant pain and sleeps. On her own. In her cot. During the day! Big girl is happy to share me. We live in a house 10 minutes away from my parents who are a constant source of help and support (that I find easier to accept!). So much has changed for me and for us, I know its along road to 'normal', but it just doesn't seem impossible now.